[on the relationship between Bob Hope and Bing Crosby] Everybody thinks they were the best of pals. They weren't. They would get together and play golf and that lead to enormous fortunes for both of them. There were billionaire oil men from Texas, who would give anything to play golf with Bing and Bob. As a result, they were promised one year, there was a new strike of oil or something in Texas, and they said, "We'll give you guys a thirtieth of the proceeds from the oil well [in exchange for playing golf with us]." They were given a percentage, and it was the biggest find for ten years and they became multimillionaires overnight. Show less «

[on his leaving The Red Skelton Show (1951), where he was the head writer] Well, I was watching late television one evening, during my seventh year with Red . . . I happened to watch [a talk show] and he came on. The host, I forget who it was, asked him, "How is it that all the other big comics have gone through specials and you continue to do a half-hour every single week? How is that possible?" They asked him how does he account for the fact he was the only one left. Red said, "Every week, when I get those lousy scripts from the writers I yawn. And the voice of God tells me how to fix things." So the next day I went to CBS and I said, "Goodbye." I said, "I've taken a lot of verbal abuse from Red. And in all his interviews he refers very deprecatingly to writers in general and his own in particular." And I said, "I'm not going to be here anymore." And I said goodbye. They said, "Wait, wait, wait!" We were #1 at the time and they didn't want to lose #1. And they don't know how to account for [the success]. They don't know if it's the writing or the acting. If you're #1, they want to keep you there. So I said, "I'm leaving!" They said, "We'll add another writer to the staff! We'll give you more money!" Well, money has never been an incentive for me. I was always able to get money wherever I went. I said, "No, no, I don't want more money. I just want out." I said to my brother [Al Schwartz], who had just replaced [writer Jesse Goldstein], "Al, when I leave, you're going to be fired." Al said, "Why? Why would he fire me?" I said, "Because Red Skelton is about five years old emotionally. The only way he would have at getting back at me [for quitting] is to fire you--because you're my brother." Al said, "First of all, you're not leaving the show. They'll give you more money." I said, "I don't want more money! I want out!" My brother couldn't conceive of this, because he was happy to just write and get paid. That's how he was all his life. He did not make waves anywhere. Well, I'm not a furious kind of guy, but I reached my limit. I said, "Al, I'm leaving and you will be fired." He didn't believe me. I talked to the producer, Cec Clark. I said, "Cec, I'm leaving the show." He said, "So I've heard." I said thank you because we had had a wonderful relationship. He said, "You're not going to stay?" I said, "No, I spoke my piece and I'm leaving." He said, "I'll have to tell Red." So, he talked to Red and Red listened and he had those beady eyes where you could just tell that thoughts were in his head. All he said in reference to me leaving the show, which I had put in the top ten [highest rated shows] for seven years, was, "Fire that other fucking Schwartz!" Show less «

[on stories about Ozzie Nelson's perfectionism] Oh, absolutely. Absolutely true. That is the only man I know who, after his show was in reruns would take the reruns and re-edit them because he wasn't happy with something. When it was too late to do anything with them, he still did it. Show less «

It's one world, and we all have to learn to live with each other.

[on working with Joan Davis on I Married Joan (1952)] She was a tough broad, as they say. She had one great virtue which became a problem. She refused to do the show unless a writer was on the premises, on the stage. She wanted to be able to turn to somebody and say, "I need a better line" or "Give me a better blackout." So, there were three writers. I was one of three writers on the Joan Davis show and so, we always referred to that as our week in the barrel. Where one of us had to be on the stage while the other two continued to write next week's script. She exercised real authority. Sometimes she would be doing a scene, and she would say, "I need a line." Then, the stage would be quiet for a moment, 75 production people were scattered around the stage and you had to get a better line or a better blackout. That's enormous pressure for a writer . . . used to being in the room with another writer or by himself. Here you have 70 pairs of eyes staring at you while you're trying to think of something. It was a rough week, our week in the barrel. Show less «