I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror...
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I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, "At least we know your vision is perfect."
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
[asked who makes him laugh] My wife, during sex.
[asked who makes him laugh] My wife, during sex.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!
My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn't met m...
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn't met me yet.
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I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But tod...
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I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.
My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
What a kid I've got. I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and m...
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What a kid I've got. I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I...
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit [he had given up on show business in 194...
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit [he had given up on show business in 1949], I was the only one who knew I quit.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ug...
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'
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[in a 1986 interview, explaining the origin of his "no respect" routine] I had this joke: "I played ...
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[in a 1986 interview, explaining the origin of his "no respect" routine] I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
My cousin's gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.
My cousin's gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things g...
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.