My stories are the old stories; my characters are the familiar Harlequin and Colombine, clown and Pa...
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My stories are the old stories; my characters are the familiar Harlequin and Colombine, clown and Pantaloon; my stage tricks and suspense and thrills and jests are the ones in vogue when I was a boy, by which time my grandfather was tired of them.
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An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable.
An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable.
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing noth...
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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Don't waste time collecting other people's autographs; rather devote it to making your own autograph...
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Don't waste time collecting other people's autographs; rather devote it to making your own autograph worth collecting.
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The theory of legal procedure is that if you set two liars to expose one another, the truth will eme...
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The theory of legal procedure is that if you set two liars to expose one another, the truth will emerge.
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If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
There are three things I'll never forget about America: the Rocky Mountains, Niagara Falls and 'Amos...
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There are three things I'll never forget about America: the Rocky Mountains, Niagara Falls and 'Amos and Andy'.
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Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to...
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Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die. (his last words)
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The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Nothing is ever done in this world until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done.
Nothing is ever done in this world until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done.
There are scores of human insects who are ready at a moment's notice to reveal the will of God on ev...
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There are scores of human insects who are ready at a moment's notice to reveal the will of God on every possible subject.
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I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller.
I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller.
There is only one true happiness in life, to love and be loved.
There is only one true happiness in life, to love and be loved.
[on why one shouldn't wrestle with pigs] You get dirty and, besides, the pig likes it.
[on why one shouldn't wrestle with pigs] You get dirty and, besides, the pig likes it.
Success covers a multitude of blunders.
Success covers a multitude of blunders.
Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
[on being asked if that was he seen riding double with T.E. Lawrence] Good heavens, man, I've got a ...
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[on being asked if that was he seen riding double with T.E. Lawrence] Good heavens, man, I've got a perfectly good motorcycle of my own. Lawrence's machine is such a great brute of a thing, and he goes so fast I doubt whether I could hold on. Probably, I'd be left sitting on the road.
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When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.
As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.
As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.
It is sometimes necessary to make people laugh to prevent them from hanging you.
It is sometimes necessary to make people laugh to prevent them from hanging you.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to...
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Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die.
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You have a choice between the natural stability of gold and the honesty and intelligence of the memb...
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You have a choice between the natural stability of gold and the honesty and intelligence of the members of government. And with all due respect for those gentlemen, I advise you, as long as the capitalist system lasts, vote for gold.
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If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pl...
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If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.
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Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
He who can, does. He who cannot teaches.
He who can, does. He who cannot teaches.
Censorship ends in logical completeness when nobody is allowed to read any books except the books th...
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Censorship ends in logical completeness when nobody is allowed to read any books except the books that nobody can read.
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Better see rightly on a pound a week than squint on a million.
Better see rightly on a pound a week than squint on a million.
We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
It's a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as...
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It's a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can
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The fact that a believer is happier than a non-believer is no more to the point than the fact that a...
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The fact that a believer is happier than a non-believer is no more to the point than the fact that a drunkard is happier than someone who's sober.
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Do not unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
Do not unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.
Beauty is all very well at first sight, but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three...
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Beauty is all very well at first sight, but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?
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I am a gentleman: I live by robbing the poor.
I am a gentleman: I live by robbing the poor.
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
How can what an Englishman thinks be heresy? It is a contradiction in terms!
How can what an Englishman thinks be heresy? It is a contradiction in terms!
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that'...
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The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.
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[on composer Johannesburg Brahms] Tiresomely addicted to dressing himself up as Handel...Too fundame...
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[on composer Johannesburg Brahms] Tiresomely addicted to dressing himself up as Handel...Too fundamentally addleheaded to make anything great out of the delicious musical luxuries he wallowed in.
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Gossipers turn an earful into a mouthful.
Gossipers turn an earful into a mouthful.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
He treats a flower girl as if she was a duchess, and a duchess as if she was a flower girl.
He treats a flower girl as if she was a duchess, and a duchess as if she was a flower girl.
Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
"and there is, on the whole, nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school. ...
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"and there is, on the whole, nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school. To begin with, it is a prison. But it is in some respects more cruel than a prison. In a prison, for instance, you are not forced to read books written by the warders (who of course would not be warders and governors if they could write readable books), and beaten or otherwise tormented if you cannot remember their utterly unmemorable contents. In the prison you are not forced to sit listening to the turnkeys discoursing without charm or interest on subjects that they don't understand and don't care about, and are therefore incapable of making you understand or care about. In a prison they may torture your body; but they do not torture your brains; and they protect you against violence and outrage from your fellow-prisoners. In a school you have none of these advantages. With the world's bookshelves loaded with fascinating and inspired books, the very manna sent down from Heaven to feed your souls, you are forced to read a hideous imposture called a school book, written by a man who cannot write: A book from which no human can learn anything: a book which, though you may decipher it, you cannot in any fruitful sense read, though the enforced attempt will make you loathe the sight of a book all the rest of your life.""A Treatise on Parents and Children," preface to Misalliance (1909).
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Not the least regard will be paid to American ideas except to avoid them as much as possible.
Not the least regard will be paid to American ideas except to avoid them as much as possible.
An actor who drinks is in a bad way, but an actor who eats is lost!
An actor who drinks is in a bad way, but an actor who eats is lost!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Communism, being the lay form of Catholicism, and indeed meaning the same thing, has never had any l...
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Communism, being the lay form of Catholicism, and indeed meaning the same thing, has never had any lack of chaplains.
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Whether Socrates got as much happiness out of life as Wesley is an unanswerable question. But a nati...
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Whether Socrates got as much happiness out of life as Wesley is an unanswerable question. But a nation of Socrateses would be much safer and happier than a nation of Wesleys, and its individuals would be higher in the evolutionary scale. At all events it is in the Socratic man and not in the Wesleyan that our hope lies now.
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The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the...
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The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
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[To Samuel Goldwyn] The trouble with you, Mr. Goldwyn, is that you're only interested in art, and I ...
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[To Samuel Goldwyn] The trouble with you, Mr. Goldwyn, is that you're only interested in art, and I am only interested in money.
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A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of Hell.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of Hell.
[on dreams] Some men see things as they are and say, 'Why?' I dream things that never were and say, ...
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[on dreams] Some men see things as they are and say, 'Why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'Why Not?'
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[on being awarded an Oscar for 'Pygmalion' in 1938] It's an insult for them to offer me any honor, a...
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[on being awarded an Oscar for 'Pygmalion' in 1938] It's an insult for them to offer me any honor, as if they had never heard of me before - and it's very likely they never have. They might as well send some honor to George for being King of England.
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The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business.
The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business.
Liberty means responsibility. That's why most men dread it.
Liberty means responsibility. That's why most men dread it.
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
The average age (longevity) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as...
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The average age (longevity) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as ever. I have lived quite long enough and am trying to die; but I simply cannot do it. A single beef-steak would finish me; but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I am oppressed with a dread of living forever. That is the only disadvantage of vegetarianism.
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When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.
Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.
When we wish to learn of the deeds done for love, we turn to the murder columns.
When we wish to learn of the deeds done for love, we turn to the murder columns.
