I never dated much in high school or college.
I never dated much in high school or college.
My career is just kind of crazy.
My career is just kind of crazy.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around a...
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You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
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Sometimes when I watch a television season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's...
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Sometimes when I watch a television season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.
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Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell ...
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It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
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Why is Obama on Bear Grills trying to survive in the tundra? Isn't the idea to keep the prez alive? ...
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Why is Obama on Bear Grills trying to survive in the tundra? Isn't the idea to keep the prez alive? And why is he on a reality show? WTF?
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Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to the...
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Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, "That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.".
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There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all...
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There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
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I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy fro...
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I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
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I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
It's funny because it's funny.
It's funny because it's funny.
I criticized Obama because I thought a President should have a little more dignity. I realize Woodro...
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I criticized Obama because I thought a President should have a little more dignity. I realize Woodrow Wilson went on "Dancing with the Stars" once. But what President is doing reality shows? It just seems weird to me.
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Michelle Obama's on "Ellen" more than I am. It's just a new world, I'm not used to it.
Michelle Obama's on "Ellen" more than I am. It's just a new world, I'm not used to it.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
I have no detectable hair style.
I have no detectable hair style.
I just couldn't have gone into a room where Chris was in a box. [on why he chose not to attend actor...
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I just couldn't have gone into a room where Chris was in a box. [on why he chose not to attend actor/friend Chris Farley's funeral]
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In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and s...
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In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
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To be famous and broke is hard.
To be famous and broke is hard.
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm over thinking it to g...
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I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm over thinking it to get it right.
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I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear ab...
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I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
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I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
I never have kids in movies or in television shows.
I never have kids in movies or in television shows.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
It's hard to have a career.
It's hard to have a career.
Single guys get a bad rap.
Single guys get a bad rap.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
He's [Barack Obama] on GQ, I'm like "Leave that to Bradley Cooper." You don't need to go... You're t...
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He's [Barack Obama] on GQ, I'm like "Leave that to Bradley Cooper." You don't need to go... You're the President, you're above all of us. You're above stars, you're above everything. When he's trying to get into the mix like, "I want to present at the MTV awards.", it's like "Alright guy. Relax. You've got it.".
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I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
When I started, I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
When I started, I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.