This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.
This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.
I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying ...
Show more »
I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.
Show less «
I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.
I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.
There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style o...
Show more »
There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.
Show less «
Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or ...
Show more »
Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.
Show less «
Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the o...
Show more »
Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!
Show less «
My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around its waist!
My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around its waist!
We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.
We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.
I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.
I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.
There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. I...
Show more »
There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.
Show less «
We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.
We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.
The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thi...
Show more »
The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.
Show less «
Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're goi...
Show more »
Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.
Show less «
As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always...
Show more »
As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favorites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.
Show less «
To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.
To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.
Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!
Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!
The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people ...
Show more »
The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
Show less «
Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?
Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?
When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total con...
Show more »
When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.
Show less «
You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band....
Show more »
You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.
Show less «
I do enjoy working with Ryan [Stiles] although he owes me money.
I do enjoy working with Ryan [Stiles] although he owes me money.
If Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?
If Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?
And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.
And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.
I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh was one, but he didn't really sing a lot!
I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh was one, but he didn't really sing a lot!
Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.
We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.
My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely...
Show more »
My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.
Show less «
I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.
I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.