I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I...
Show more »
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
Show less «
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about yo...
Show more »
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
Show less «
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to he...
Show more »
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Show less «
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard...
Show more »
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
Show less «
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage...
Show more »
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
Show less «
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work a...
Show more »
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Show less «
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth gr...
Show more »
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
Show less «
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used s...
Show more »
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Show less «
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same...
Show more »
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Show less «
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was...
Show more »
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Show less «
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not...
Show more »
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Show less «
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just h...
Show more »
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
Show less «
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real mea...
Show more »
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
Show less «
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is ...
Show more »
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
Show less «
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the ...
Show more »
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Show less «
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have t...
Show more »
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
Show less «
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
To me, comedy is a game.
To me, comedy is a game.
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
Show more »
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
Show less «
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi H...
Show more »
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
Show less «
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I w...
Show more »
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Show less «
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me thi...
Show more »
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Show less «
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an acto...
Show more »
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Show less «
People only have so much attention.
People only have so much attention.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you ...
Show more »
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
Show less «
I never set out to do a sketch show.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to sc...
Show more »
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Show less «
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessa...
Show more »
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Show less «
I love Steven Wright.
I love Steven Wright.
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, the...
Show more »
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Show less «
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appea...
Show more »
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
Show less «
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met...
Show more »
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
Show less «
[on producing an indie movie] It's humbling. You get twenty days to shoot the thing and you think yo...
Show more »
[on producing an indie movie] It's humbling. You get twenty days to shoot the thing and you think you're ready, and then of course reality hits you. It's like 'They're having trouble parking the truck; there's a helicopter up there so we have to wait for sound'. You can just see the minutes ticking away and we're losing light. It's all those things that you really don't have to worry about with stand-up. Show up to the gig, tell the jokes for an hour then you're done.
Show less «
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip poppe...
Show more »
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Show less «
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, i...
Show more »
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
Show less «
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student gover...
Show more »
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Show less «
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I...
Show more »
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
Show less «
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were som...
Show more »
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Show less «
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is o...
Show more »
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Show less «
[on performing in stand-up comedy] I have to trust that I will come up with something good each day,...
Show more »
[on performing in stand-up comedy] I have to trust that I will come up with something good each day, whether it's a drawing or a joke or a couple of jokes, or an idea for a story, or a paragraph. You keep pushing and try to be disciplined and organized, so I find stuff and say, 'There's an idea I think that will will work in a book two years fro now'. Then, when the deadline comes closer, I can sift through the pile and know what I've got to work with.
Show less «
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams...
Show more »
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
Show less «
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell som...
Show more »
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Show less «
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way ...
Show more »
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
Show less «
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody kne...
Show more »
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
Show less «
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no...
Show more »
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
Show less «
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more ...
Show more »
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Show less «
