Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising a...
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Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
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Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he has a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer h...
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No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he has a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer he gets, the better friend he has.
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I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money.
I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money.
I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.
I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every mor...
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The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
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Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we neve...
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Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.
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Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on Earth.
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on Earth.
And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can sa...
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And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke!
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When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a...
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The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.
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When you put down the good things you ought to have done and leave out the bad things you did do -- ...
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When you put down the good things you ought to have done and leave out the bad things you did do -- that's Memoirs.
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[last words, in a radio broadcast by Rogers before the plane crash in which he and Wiley Post were k...
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[last words, in a radio broadcast by Rogers before the plane crash in which he and Wiley Post were killed] Well, Wiley's got her warmed up. Let's go.
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It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.
Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
My ancestors may not have come over on the Mayflower, but they met 'em at the boat.
My ancestors may not have come over on the Mayflower, but they met 'em at the boat.
I never met a man I didn't like.
I never met a man I didn't like.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, a...
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If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
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If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't ...
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If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
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People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
My father was one eighth Cherokee and my mother one fourth Cherokee, which I figure makes me about a...
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My father was one eighth Cherokee and my mother one fourth Cherokee, which I figure makes me about an eight cigar-store Injun.
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Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
[on Commitee] Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back as much as commit...
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[on Commitee] Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back as much as committees.
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I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
[on looking over the Academy Awards audience, 1934]: This looks like the last roundup of the ermine.
[on looking over the Academy Awards audience, 1934]: This looks like the last roundup of the ermine.
If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, 'America died from a delusio...
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If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, 'America died from a delusion that she has moral leadership.'
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[on introducing comic banter to his rope-twirling routines] The first gag I ever pulled was when I g...
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[on introducing comic banter to his rope-twirling routines] The first gag I ever pulled was when I got my rope all tangled up and says, 'A rope ain't bad to get tangled up in if it ain't around your neck'.
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Most people and actors appearing on the stage have some writer write their material. I don't do that...
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Most people and actors appearing on the stage have some writer write their material. I don't do that. Congress is good enough for me. They have been writing my material for years.
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I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with 28 years ago.
Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.
Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.
Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it . . . You take di...
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Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it . . . You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.
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There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.
I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I kn...
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I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am, but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
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Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
