When I get to the other side I shall use my influence to have the Human Race drowned again, but this...
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When I get to the other side I shall use my influence to have the Human Race drowned again, but this time drowned good. No exceptions, no Ark.
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[on experience] We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and ...
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[on experience] We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot-stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
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Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Let us be grateful to Adam, our benefactor. He cut us out of the "blessing" of idleness and won for ...
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Let us be grateful to Adam, our benefactor. He cut us out of the "blessing" of idleness and won for us the "curse" of labor.
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Beware of reading Health Books, you may die of a misprint.
Beware of reading Health Books, you may die of a misprint.
Even a bargain costs money.
Even a bargain costs money.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest.
Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest.
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when ...
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There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.
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[on children] When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.
[on children] When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Whatever you say, say it with conviction.
Whatever you say, say it with conviction.
History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it rhymes.
History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it rhymes.
[on adaptability] If you don't like the weather in New Engalnd, just wait a few minutes.
[on adaptability] If you don't like the weather in New Engalnd, just wait a few minutes.
The English are mentioned in the Bible: Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
The English are mentioned in the Bible: Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones yo...
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Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
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Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
When the world ends, I would like to be in Cincinnati, because it's always 20 years behind the times...
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When the world ends, I would like to be in Cincinnati, because it's always 20 years behind the times.
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You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
When one finds oneself on the side of the Majority it is time to pause and reflect.
When one finds oneself on the side of the Majority it is time to pause and reflect.
If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.
If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.
[on babies] Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
[on babies] Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of other...
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Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of other persons.
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Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
[on babies] A soiled baby with a neglected nose cannot consciously be regarded as a thing of beauty.
[on babies] A soiled baby with a neglected nose cannot consciously be regarded as a thing of beauty.
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them that they have been fooled.
It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them that they have been fooled.
I am not "an" American, I am "the" American.
I am not "an" American, I am "the" American.
Religion began when the first con-artist met the first fool.
Religion began when the first con-artist met the first fool.
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
I learned long ago never to say the obvious thing, but leave the obvious thing to commonplace and in...
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I learned long ago never to say the obvious thing, but leave the obvious thing to commonplace and inexperienced people to say.
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The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it wil...
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The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
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I have been told that Wagner's [Richard Wagner] music is better than it sounds.
I have been told that Wagner's [Richard Wagner] music is better than it sounds.
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the...
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Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
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Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide i...
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Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
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It is by the goodness of God that in our country, we have those three unspeakably precious things: f...
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It is by the goodness of God that in our country, we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
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No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a centur...
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No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
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If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency.
An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency.
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths.
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths.
Training is everything. The peach was a once a bitter almond; cauliflower is but a cabbage with a co...
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Training is everything. The peach was a once a bitter almond; cauliflower is but a cabbage with a college education.
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will sid...
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The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
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Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
I love to revel in philosophical matters--especially astronomy. I study astronomy more than any othe...
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I love to revel in philosophical matters--especially astronomy. I study astronomy more than any other foolishness there is.
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October is one of those dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are January, February, M...
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October is one of those dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November and December.
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man aro...
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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.
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The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces throu...
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The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn't indicate or promise, and which the other kind couldn't detect.
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Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voi...
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Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God
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Comedy keeps the heart sweet.
Comedy keeps the heart sweet.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
One can not succeed merely by being stupid, one must be well-mannered as well.
One can not succeed merely by being stupid, one must be well-mannered as well.
I always did hate for anyone to know what my plans or hopes or prospects were-for, if I kept people ...
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I always did hate for anyone to know what my plans or hopes or prospects were-for, if I kept people in ignorance in these matters, no one could be disappointed but myself, if they were not realized."-
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[on fact] Get your facts first; then you can distort 'em as you please.
[on fact] Get your facts first; then you can distort 'em as you please.
All that is necessary is ignorance and confidence, then success is guaranteed.
All that is necessary is ignorance and confidence, then success is guaranteed.
When I was young, I could remember anything whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decayin...
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When I was young, I could remember anything whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now, and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it.
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To be busy is man's only happiness.
To be busy is man's only happiness.
The World owes you nothing, it was here first.
The World owes you nothing, it was here first.
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. Ap...
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France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. Apart from these drawbacks, it is a fine country.
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There's nothing worse than a young pessimist. Except an Old Optimist.
There's nothing worse than a young pessimist. Except an Old Optimist.
If you would be good, you will be lonely.
If you would be good, you will be lonely.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Give a man a reputation as an early riser, and that man can sleep till noon.
Give a man a reputation as an early riser, and that man can sleep till noon.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
[his definition of a "classic"] Something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read...
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[his definition of a "classic"] Something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.
What a man wants with religion in these breadless times, surpasses my comprehension
What a man wants with religion in these breadless times, surpasses my comprehension
America is built on a tilt, so anything loose slides to California.
America is built on a tilt, so anything loose slides to California.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
We chase phantoms half the days of our lives. It is well if we learn wisdom even then, and save the ...
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We chase phantoms half the days of our lives. It is well if we learn wisdom even then, and save the other half
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Where prejudice exists it always discolors our thoughts.
Where prejudice exists it always discolors our thoughts.
Most people are bothered by those passages in Scripture which they cannot understand, but as for me ...
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Most people are bothered by those passages in Scripture which they cannot understand, but as for me I always noticed that the passages in Scripture which trouble me are those which I do understand.
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Not reading gives you no advantage over people who don't read.
Not reading gives you no advantage over people who don't read.
