Celebrities Joel Stein, Birthday: 23 July 1971, New Jersey, USA

Now everyone has to be funny. The new vocabulary of texts, tweets, Facebook updates, Instagram pictu...Show more »

Now everyone has to be funny. The new vocabulary of texts, tweets, Facebook updates, Instagram pictures and YouTube videos - the entire reductive discourse of the information era - seems to require that all information be conveyed in jokes. That's because jokes are the most memorable packet of information we have that doesn't involve violence. Show less «

While we don't like to admit it, we all know who's essential and who isn't. That's why doctors have ...Show more »

While we don't like to admit it, we all know who's essential and who isn't. That's why doctors have so much attitude, farmers get free Willie Nelson concerts and your contractor shows up whenever he wants. Show less «

[on participating in the electoral process] It's hard to care about community issues because L.A. is...Show more »

[on participating in the electoral process] It's hard to care about community issues because L.A. is a place you go to make your own dreams yourself. People don't gather in coffee shops to talk about occupying city hall. People sit alone at coffee shops talking to themselves as they read from a script. We have the soul of the West, of the young: we believe in the individual. Not caring about politics is a sign that our politics is doing pretty well. The city where I would be very, very interested in my local politics is Pyongyang. Show less «

[on conducting a personal survey of political fundraising] Using public records, I built an algorith...Show more »

[on conducting a personal survey of political fundraising] Using public records, I built an algorithm that created a spreadsheet showing that about 160 Americans donated to candidates for the Senate or the House who are running against each other from different parties this November. When I say 'I' I mean Pratheek Rebala, a really smart intern in Washington's news bureau, and when I say 'spreadsheet' I mean a list of numbers that may or may not actually be a spreadsheet, and when I say 'algorithm' I have no idea what I mean whatsoever. I am relatively confident about all the other words I am using. Show less «

Seth Stephens-Davidowitz is a brilliant, thoughtful data scientist who studies the complexities of h...Show more »

Seth Stephens-Davidowitz is a brilliant, thoughtful data scientist who studies the complexities of human behavior, which is why no one has heard of him. I, meanwhile, exclusively study my own very simple behavior, which is why I have a Wikipedia page, and he doesn't. Show less «

It can't be great for your organization when the government shutdown forces you to declare some empl...Show more »

It can't be great for your organization when the government shutdown forces you to declare some employees nonessential and others essential. When the shutdown is over and everyone has to work together again, not a lot of employees are going to want to pair up with nonessentials when they do those trust-building exercises where you fall backward into one another's arms. Show less «

[musing on the upcoming 2016 GOP Convention] It is going to have a lot of first-time delegates and s...Show more »

[musing on the upcoming 2016 GOP Convention] It is going to have a lot of first-time delegates and speakers without much power in the party. People who, without my decades of experience, will not know how to get into the Huffington Post Oasis tent for a full-body massage from Arianna Huffington, as I did in Tampa in 2012, which I believe led to her focus on getting more sleep, so that she could spend fewer waking hours remembering the experience. Show less «

[on football coaches respectfully soliciting divine intervention in a game] I did not like the sound...Show more »

[on football coaches respectfully soliciting divine intervention in a game] I did not like the sound of this. From what I know about the the Old Testament, God doesn't respond to the soft sell. He's more of a tie-your-firstborn to the altar kind of guy. Show less «

Predictions are snare traps for egomaniacs. That's because, unlike me, they only think they know eve...Show more »

Predictions are snare traps for egomaniacs. That's because, unlike me, they only think they know everything. I, however, have a deep understanding of how the world is shifting because I've been to Silicon Valley. All the changes in the world come from there, as long as you define the world as upper-class, urban-dwelling, college-educated young people who constantly stare at their phones. And the people who determine which of these changes happen are venture capitalists, since they decide how many millions of dollars to give to each Stanford graduate. Show less «

If you're living in an impoverished community where the future doesn't look like a rewarding adventu...Show more »

If you're living in an impoverished community where the future doesn't look like a rewarding adventure and, instead, requires all your energy to figure out how to get by this month, you're unlikely to focus on activities with long-term benefits such as studying, saving, marriage, being drug-free and spicing up quinoa. Show less «

At the protest that shut down [Donald] Trump's speech in Chicago, I saw a photo of a bearded man tha...Show more »

At the protest that shut down [Donald] Trump's speech in Chicago, I saw a photo of a bearded man that said SHORT FINGERED VULGARIAN. Every protester, it turns out, needs a sign. And it might as well be funny. Show less «

When you start a business you have to do due diligence, like finding out what due diligence is. From...Show more »

When you start a business you have to do due diligence, like finding out what due diligence is. From what I've gathered, it's exactly like diligence except it requires people to say 'do due', which I am guessing amuses the business community. Show less «

My take is, if you think dog sniffing isn't an invasion of privacy, then you don't have a crotch.

[on 'sell-by dates' on packaged food] The dates were created by local and state organizations in the...Show more »

[on 'sell-by dates' on packaged food] The dates were created by local and state organizations in the 1970s merely to to help people know when the products are freshest - not safest - and even that is basically a guess. In fact, they never say 'expiration', instead using words like 'use by, 'best before' 'enjoy by', and in the case of kale and quinoa 'won't be trendy after'. Show less «

[on Time Magazine turning ninety] We definitely need to stop writing about old people. No more cover...Show more »

[on Time Magazine turning ninety] We definitely need to stop writing about old people. No more covers called 'How to Die', and more about hot moms breastfeeding. Show less «

Of the five organs I can name, my brain is my third favorite, ahead of kidneys and spleen and just b...Show more »

Of the five organs I can name, my brain is my third favorite, ahead of kidneys and spleen and just behind liver. But I know almost nothing about my brain, other than it is located in my head and hurts when my parents talk. Show less «

My phone and computer are a Zen retreat, assuming there are Zen retreats where you meditate by watch...Show more »

My phone and computer are a Zen retreat, assuming there are Zen retreats where you meditate by watching porn and Googling yourself. Show less «

I decided to preemptively call the White House and volunteer my services. I did this, not because I ...Show more »

I decided to preemptively call the White House and volunteer my services. I did this, not because I support Obamacare, which I do not understand, largely because every time I read about it I get really bored. No, I did it because I still believe that when the President asks for your service, or is definitely going to ask for it soon, you give it. Plus, I wanted to get on the good side of the people reading my texts and e-mails. Show less «

I'm not a fan of including 'other' in polls, since I never get to pick 'other' in real life. There's...Show more »

I'm not a fan of including 'other' in polls, since I never get to pick 'other' in real life. There's no 'other' on a menu or my income-tax forms. Cops never ask you if you want to take a Breathalyzer, go down to the station or 'other'. When the rabbi asked if I promised to love Cassandra in sickness and in health, if I had said 'Other' I'm pretty sure the wedding would not have proceeded. Show less «

I'm all for a little high school bullying. You don't become a successful humor columnist without hav...Show more »

I'm all for a little high school bullying. You don't become a successful humor columnist without having gotten bullied. It drives you to take on the powerful and famous with lame jokes about their haircuts from the safety of your computer screen. If it weren't for bullying, I'd be a contract lawyer. Show less «

Some people weigh both sides of an argument and use logic to arrive at the correct conclusion. These...Show more »

Some people weigh both sides of an argument and use logic to arrive at the correct conclusion. These people are not columnists. We are blessed with the talent of instantly sensing what's right, without the bother of rational thought. Do I know anything about the complexities of the federal government or health care? No. Does that stop me from having a strong opinion on Obamacare? No. Because I see the big picture, which is that sick people make me sad. Show less «

[on being cast for a cameo appearance in a TV series] I always wondered whether the world sees me as...Show more »

[on being cast for a cameo appearance in a TV series] I always wondered whether the world sees me as a narcissistic punk, a fatty pig or phony who got his job solely on the basis of his looks. Then I got the script. It turns outs that the world sees me exactly how everyone pegged me in high school. I'm a nerd. Show less «

If you can't tell a story, you will never, ever get people to wire you the funds you need to pay the...Show more »

If you can't tell a story, you will never, ever get people to wire you the funds you need to pay the fees to get your Nigerian inheritance out of the bank. Show less «

If there's one thing I know about low-information voters from my conversations with them, is that th...Show more »

If there's one thing I know about low-information voters from my conversations with them, is that they don't think they're low-information voters. Which made me wonder if I'm a low-information voter. Especially since I have no idea who's running against my Senator, couldn't tell you what my Congresswoman has ever done, and despite intensive studying, still feel like I need to do more online research on Measure B, the proposed L.A. law to require actors to wear condoms while filming pornography. Show less «

[on Hallowe'en] Freedom isn't free without free candy. And I'm willing to fight for that freedom. Or...Show more »

[on Hallowe'en] Freedom isn't free without free candy. And I'm willing to fight for that freedom. Or at least sell a book about it. Show less «

When a culture becomes wealthy enough to devote most of its energy to being entertained and gives it...Show more »

When a culture becomes wealthy enough to devote most of its energy to being entertained and gives its biggest accolades to entertainers, we all become Dorothy Parker. Maybe comedy is part of the debauchery of the end of an empire. Show less «

I know I am a man of infinite weakness. And because of this knowledge, I know that the two greatest ...Show more »

I know I am a man of infinite weakness. And because of this knowledge, I know that the two greatest rules in life are not to get involved in a war in Afghanistan and not to hang out with hot chicks. Show less «

[on 2013, a 'year of not trying too hard'] How popular was giving up? Pope Benedict XVI did it. It w...Show more »

[on 2013, a 'year of not trying too hard'] How popular was giving up? Pope Benedict XVI did it. It wasn't even clear that the Pope could quit, and yet he gave only seventeen days notice, barely enough time to return all those outfits. Cher had to give more notice than that to Caesar's Palace. Show less «

I've always thought that the best thing to write is a song since, unlike columns, people not only en...Show more »

I've always thought that the best thing to write is a song since, unlike columns, people not only enjoy them multiple times but often remember them. When I give speeches, no one in the audience screams, "Read 'Call the Plenipotentiary'!" Show less «

For two hundred years, politicians from the two halves were able to make compromises that were good ...Show more »

For two hundred years, politicians from the two halves were able to make compromises that were good for everyone except black people. Then, like some national therapist, Ronald Reagan turned the South Republican by encouraging it to express how it really felt, which ruined everything. Now we fight all the time and it's not good for the kids. Show less «

[on Oprah Winfrey's questioning of Lance Armstrong] 'Were you a bully?' 'Did you feel bad about it?'...Show more »

[on Oprah Winfrey's questioning of Lance Armstrong] 'Were you a bully?' 'Did you feel bad about it?' 'Do you feel embarrassed?' 'Do you feel ashamed?' 'Do you feel humbled?' 'Tell me what you feel'. 'Do you feel disgraced?' 'Is there real remorse?' All I could think about was how awful it must be for Stedman every time he forgets to pick up the dry cleaning. Show less «

[on having been part of a study, conducted by Daniel Levitin, examining the inter-connectivity betwe...Show more »

[on having been part of a study, conducted by Daniel Levitin, examining the inter-connectivity between music and sex] Far more powerful than music is having your love life questioned by a guy who's been on 'The Big Bang Theory'. Show less «

'Essentials' didn't start Google. Essentials never made art or literature. Essentials don't create n...Show more »

'Essentials' didn't start Google. Essentials never made art or literature. Essentials don't create new coffee drinks by adding just a tiny bit more or less milk. Life without nonessentials looks as grey and bleak as the post-apocalyptic world in Cormac McCarthy's 'The Road', if those people had essentials. Show less «

I believe not only that it's my responsibility to fight for equality but also that it's important I ...Show more »

I believe not only that it's my responsibility to fight for equality but also that it's important I should do it in a public fashion so that I can distract people from by objectification issues. I want women to say, 'For a second, I thought Joel was staring at my chest, but then I realized he was staring at my heart, which is equal to his heart'. Show less «

Long ago I learned that marriage isn't about happiness. It's about winning.

[being introduced to the public relations program, "Coffee with a Cop"] Last year, I made a cop frie...Show more »

[being introduced to the public relations program, "Coffee with a Cop"] Last year, I made a cop friend. I would like to say we met as he yanked me off a terrorist I was beating too severely, after catching him torturing a basket of puppies and saying mean things about Princess Diana, but we actually sat next to each other in a Hummer limousine that my friend had rented for a taco crawl. Show less «

I always thought birth control was equally relevant to both sexes, since we both are responsible for...Show more »

I always thought birth control was equally relevant to both sexes, since we both are responsible for the kids. Then I saw the vile and repulsive things that happened to my otherwise lovely wife Cassandra when she got pregnant. That's when I realized birth control is indeed a woman's issue. Show less «

(on his psychiatrist) I knew Phil's advice was brilliant, not just because he outed my secret worrie...Show more »

(on his psychiatrist) I knew Phil's advice was brilliant, not just because he outed my secret worries but also because he kept grabbing index cards and drawing stick figures to explain his ideas. Anyone who charges huge fees and then hands them stick-figure drawings is living in a world without fear that I want to be part of. Show less «

[on people considering 2016 "The year of the lie"] If lying had been this acceptable in 1789, George...Show more »

[on people considering 2016 "The year of the lie"] If lying had been this acceptable in 1789, George Washington would have had the President's residence constructed entirely of free cherrywood. Show less «

This election [2016] is forcing us to consider core issues we've avoided for decades by hiding behin...Show more »

This election [2016] is forcing us to consider core issues we've avoided for decades by hiding behind policy discussions. Such as: Do men get angrier when their wives are called skanky or ugly? This, I truly believe, is the center of the new culture war. Are we going to be mack caddies who brag about our hot trophy wives, our money, our genitals, our tribe, our tee shot, and the amount of marble we use when designing luxury hotels? Or will we be repressed, easily victimized global elites with uptight wives? Which type of misogynists will American choose to be: objectifiers or slut shamers? Show less «

Ever since physicists announced their discovery of the Higgs boson particle, I keep being told that ...Show more »

Ever since physicists announced their discovery of the Higgs boson particle, I keep being told that its existence fundamentally alters our knowledge of the universe. I have no idea who this 'our' refers to. My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and good meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this. Show less «

Teenagers' raging hormones should be pushing them out of the house, no matter how much fun the Inter...Show more »

Teenagers' raging hormones should be pushing them out of the house, no matter how much fun the Internet is. It's not healthy to choose porn over actual sex until you've been married for ten years. Show less «

Joel Stein

Joel Stein's FILMOGRAPHY

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