There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Men who look down my dress usually compliment me on my shoes.
Men who look down my dress usually compliment me on my shoes.
[In an interview, on the British chat show Loose Women (1999) in 2008, on working the red carpet for...
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[In an interview, on the British chat show Loose Women (1999) in 2008, on working the red carpet for the E! Channel]: You get someone like Russell Crowe, and you want to say to the camera, he is a piece of - get ready to bleep this - f***ing shit. (Rivers was immediately pulled from the British chat show - they had no bleep.) These idiots came running onto the set, ripped me off my seat and dragged me off, saying, "Let's go, let's go, let's go." When the audience saw my empty chair, I worried that, because of my age, they might think I'd wet it because my diaper leaked. People always ask me, "What haven't you done, Miss Rivers? You've done this and that, been nominated for an Emmy and a Tony. You've hosted shows, you've acted, done stand-up, lost your husband to suicide, been bankrupted by a business partner [who made off with $37m in the 1990s] - what haven't you done?". Well, until today, I'd never been kicked off live television. Assholes.
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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
[When constantly thought about dying]: In your 80s, you'd be foolish not to think about that. I am d...
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[When constantly thought about dying]: In your 80s, you'd be foolish not to think about that. I am definitely going to be cremated. I've left money so the dogs can be taken care of. I've said to Melissa, 'Sell anything and everything you don't want. Don't feel beholden to my possessions.' I feel almost hysterical on that. I don't want them to have a sense of guilt.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
That awful, vulgar, loud woman on stage, that's not me. I wouldn't want to be her friend.
That awful, vulgar, loud woman on stage, that's not me. I wouldn't want to be her friend.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
[on turning 50]: Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on...
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[on turning 50]: Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Camilla Parker-Bowles is an earthy, funny woman. You can swear in front of her.
Camilla Parker-Bowles is an earthy, funny woman. You can swear in front of her.
Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the Most Beautiful this year. Congratulations, Gwyneth! Now look...
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Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the Most Beautiful this year. Congratulations, Gwyneth! Now look at who she got to vote: Ray Charles, José Feliciano, Helen Keller, Ronnie Milsap, Tom Sullivan, and Stevie Wonder.
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Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all strugg...
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Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. I'd rescue two more, but who wants to go throu...
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. I'd rescue two more, but who wants to go through menopause twice?
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All I ever heard when I was a kid was,"Why can't you be more like your cousin Sheila?" And Sheila ha...
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All I ever heard when I was a kid was,"Why can't you be more like your cousin Sheila?" And Sheila had died at birth.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
The great thing about irrigating your colon is that sometimes you find old jewelry.
The great thing about irrigating your colon is that sometimes you find old jewelry.
[her trademark line] Can we talk?
[her trademark line] Can we talk?
[on Parkinson (1971), when entering] I am a dyke! And I'm DAMN proud of it!
[on Parkinson (1971), when entering] I am a dyke! And I'm DAMN proud of it!
Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top, and that the woman goes on bottom. For...
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All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top, and that the woman goes on bottom. For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes...and six months later, you have to start all...
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I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes...and six months later, you have to start all over again.
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Never be afraid to laugh at yourself; after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century...
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Never be afraid to laugh at yourself; after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
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[on antiques] If Louis XIV hasn't sat on it, I don't want it.
[on antiques] If Louis XIV hasn't sat on it, I don't want it.
[June 29, 2008] One of the reasons I am so happy - there's lots happening again. Four times in my li...
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[June 29, 2008] One of the reasons I am so happy - there's lots happening again. Four times in my life, I woke up and the diary was empty. That's the worst feeling in the world. My Broadway show and my talk show were canceled on the same Friday. And I went that night to see Barbra Streisand, whom I'd started with, perform for 20,000 people at Madison Square Garden. That was a very bad night. Now I'm doing a pilot, I have two books coming, I have my play, I'm in a series that they've shot and they hope will be successful, I'm doing stand-up and I've got my jewelry company. At this age, to be wanted - you are fighting every single step of the way.
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[on her idea of a perfect childbirth experience] Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up wh...
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[on her idea of a perfect childbirth experience] Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.
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[Interview with Andrew Scott, June 10, 2010] I've never been in the "in" group. I've never been cons...
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[Interview with Andrew Scott, June 10, 2010] I've never been in the "in" group. I've never been considered. But that's what keeps me punching, if that makes sense. I'm still in the "I'll show you" mentality.
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I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.
[on the red-carpet] Who are you wearing?
[on the red-carpet] Who are you wearing?
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Tell me one funny woman who was ev...
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Tell me one funny woman who was ever beautiful. Gwyneth Paltrow, stop, please, stop, I can't stand it. Angelina Jolie? Men don't want you funny. It's all about coping when you're not being the pretty girl, and you're not being the first one asked to dance, and the bottle spins and lands on you and Stuart Wein doesn't want to kiss you.
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[on young female comics]: They all come up to me and say, "Without you, I couldn't be here, the barr...
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[on young female comics]: They all come up to me and say, "Without you, I couldn't be here, the barriers you broke down." I say, "Get the f*** away from me. I still could take every one of you with one hand behind my back. Outta here. Talk like that at my funeral, but not till then".
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Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.
Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.
The only thing that's saving me is my age. Because I don't care. I've been up, I've been down. I've ...
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The only thing that's saving me is my age. Because I don't care. I've been up, I've been down. I've been fired, I've been hired. I've been broke. What are you gonna to do me? Not like me? I don't give a damn.
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I was just interviewed for a documentary [Making Trouble (2007)] on my least favorite subject - wome...
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I was just interviewed for a documentary [Making Trouble (2007)] on my least favorite subject - women comedians and how we've all been kept out. These two women came to my house, very serious, and asked, "How long did it take for you to get into the room?". I said, "Let me tell you something: if Adolf Hitler had four good jokes, he'd be in the room." It has to do with funny. Then they talked about how women help each other. I said, "I hate to tell you, but if it was between Sarah Silverman and me for a job? I'll kill her and she'll kill me. There's no sisterhood in comedy".
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[In 2010, on Twitter] With all the plastic surgery I've had, I'm worried that when I die, God won't ...
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[In 2010, on Twitter] With all the plastic surgery I've had, I'm worried that when I die, God won't recognize me!
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
The secret of my success is just saying what everybody else has been thinking.
The secret of my success is just saying what everybody else has been thinking.
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
One of the earliest jokes I did about my husband was that I was the one who really caused Edgar's su...
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One of the earliest jokes I did about my husband was that I was the one who really caused Edgar's suicide, because, while we were making love, I took the bag off my head.
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There are three things all children should be taught never to do: touch a hot stove; pull lamps off ...
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There are three things all children should be taught never to do: touch a hot stove; pull lamps off tables; and wake their mother before noon.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
New York was the magic city. New York was Oz. All I wanted to do was get out of Brooklyn and get int...
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New York was the magic city. New York was Oz. All I wanted to do was get out of Brooklyn and get into Oz. We'd go to the theater district -- I saved my money, and I would go with a girlfriend and sit in Sardi's, order an avocado for 60 cents, and wait to be discovered. They must have been thrilled to see us. We went to Howard Johnson's, and my friend smoked a cigarette. We're sitting at the Howard Johnson's, and we're smoking cigarettes -- say no more.
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[on Renee Zellweger] Push her face against a glass door, and you'll see what all babies look like at...
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[on Renee Zellweger] Push her face against a glass door, and you'll see what all babies look like at birth.
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I haven't missed the Emmys since that year my makeup team was nominated for "Best Special Effects"!
I haven't missed the Emmys since that year my makeup team was nominated for "Best Special Effects"!
People say that money is not the key to happiness. But I've always figured that, with enough money, ...
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People say that money is not the key to happiness. But I've always figured that, with enough money, you can hire a battering ram.
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My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: much of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: much of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
[on the passing of Elaine Kaufman] Elaine's was a place you went to let everyone know you were in to...
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[on the passing of Elaine Kaufman] Elaine's was a place you went to let everyone know you were in town. It was first stop L.A./N.Y. You knew your name was above the title when Elaine sat with you. I also loved that the prices changed constantly.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at [the department store] Neiman ...
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at [the department store] Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. I don't have those wonderful dinners with Wood...
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I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. I don't have those wonderful dinners with Woody, I've never been asked by Jay. And it makes you sad, because I think it would be wonderful to sit and talk about things that very few people understand. But I'm very competitive, and I'm sure they feel that. I'm jealous of that little slut Paris Hilton. Why? I'm very competitive. And I think that's what has kept me going. I'm not gracious.
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If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.
If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.
[on Justin Bieber] He looks like the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
[on Justin Bieber] He looks like the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
[on daughter Melissa Rivers] She and I are very close. We speak every single day. Literally, I call ...
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[on daughter Melissa Rivers] She and I are very close. We speak every single day. Literally, I call her every day and leave the same message on her answering machine: "Pick the hell up, Melissa. I know you're there, damn it." And she always calls me back with the same response: "Mom, how in God's name did you get this new number?"
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I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: ...
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I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: "I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing".
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[on reality shows] When was the last time you went to a dinner party where three women got up and sl...
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[on reality shows] When was the last time you went to a dinner party where three women got up and slapped each other? Everybody's punching and slapping. This is not reality. We got a second season because everybody that has a parent, a mother, anyone can relate to what really happens between adult children and parents.
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